Part 1
The most important gift couples can give to each other is to help their partners feel safe and secure. When you have made a commitment to your relationship, the best thing you can do is to close the backdoor for good by not threatening to leave.
All of us know that divorce is an option, but I’m suggesting that you think and act like divorce is not an option. Why? Because then both of you will put your energy into doing what it takes to make it work!
In my work with couples, I’ve seen so much damage done when one or both persons threaten divorce. Sounding the divorce alarm may seem like a tempting way of signaling how hurt or devastated you are about something, but it works against a good outcome. Threats shake the bedrock of the commitment: safety, security, and trust.
Just decide that no matter how angry, upset, jealous, or hurt you are, you will not talk about divorce. A securely locked backdoor makes it easier to work through any and all issues.
Here are two examples of a partner reinforcing his/her commitment to the relationship:
Example 1 – To her partner who was threatening to leave, a woman said, “If you leave, pack a bag for me because I’m going too.”
Example 2 – One engaged 30-something man said several times to his fiancée, “You can try to push me away with your anger and attempts to control me, but I’m not going anywhere.” His fiancée, also a 30-something, had many loving and endearing ways, but she had been abandoned and hurt many times in her life and it was hard for her to trust him. The more he said he wouldn’t leave, the more she felt safe and could give up testing him.
You can imagine that people who have anxiety about abandonment are able to calm down and have hope when they hear statements like these. With this kind of shift in a relationship, the connection is nurtured and creative energy is freed up so it can be directed at finding new solutions. This is what works for finding good outcome.
I have more to share with you about this important topic, so please check back soon for Part 2 of this special 2-part post… 3 Tips for Keeping that Backdoor Locked.
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