In a previous blog, I talked about how we need to love ourselves because we have never been wrong – we have always been trying to get our needs met to the best of our understanding and ability. Because of this, we deserve to be kind to ourselves and feel worthy. (need a link to Never Wrong)

Sometimes in the process of getting our needs met the best way we know how, we have been unaware of the consequences of our words or actions. We all make unintentional and sometimes intentional mistakes… and sometimes hurt others. If you feel guilt, it’s because some part of you knows that you hurt someone else.

The way to release guilt is to take responsibility for what hurtful words we’ve said or hurtful acts we’ve done. This responsibility may include an apology or taking actions to resolve the hurt. An apology is not about making yourself wrong because whatever you did was an attempt to meet your needs. An apology is about seeing in retrospect that you hurt someone else. Taking responsibility may include many things – here are a few examples:

· correcting a lie

· agreeing to do more of the household chores

· paying back money

· giving more attention to a partner or child

· going to therapy to understand and shift negative patterns

In these ways we can begin to shift the things that are hurting the people we care about.

Taking responsibility is humbling… and humility is important because it helps us see and accept our humanity, our vulnerability and to know we’re not better than someone else. With humility we can acknowledge that at the moment we weren’t seeing all the effects of our actions. Taking responsibility balances things when we see the pain and needs of others whom we now realize we’ve harmed.

Guilt can be lifted. It’s often not easy, but taking responsibility and making amends lightens our conscience… and clears up small and difficult situations so we see and understand others, and they see and understand us.

In therapy, I’ve helped clients lift their guilt and bring greater connection to their relationships by taking responsibility for their past actions. If you’d like help bringing these changes to your life, please contact me using the form below or at 949-645-5907. I’m here to help.

We all have worries. “What if my adult son wants to move in with us?” “What happens if I lose my job and can’t pay the bills?” “What if my partner breaks up with me?” “What would happen if my parents got divorced?”

Of course we worry because there are so many things we have to handle in our lives, and it’s not always clear what we have to do. But there is a crucial difference between types of worry, and understanding it can help you begin to reduce and relieve worry. Let’s take a look at two common types of worry.

Type 1 – Worrying about a situation that is happening right now.

There’s no doubt about it… there’s a problem facing you and you’re worried. In this case, it’s best to take the situation head on: make the best decision you can and take action. If it seems overwhelming, break the task down to manageable segments and do the next thing that moves you toward resolving the issue. If it’s something you need to know, you can do research online or get expert advice. If you need help, ask for it. You can ask family, friends, and/or your spiritual support. If none of these help, pay someone to help if you can afford to! But keep taking steps until the issue has been decided or completed.

Making progress on a Type 1 worry can bring such relief. Here are some examples of decisions and actions people have made and taken with a head-on approach:

· “I decided my child will learn at home rather than go back to the classroom during Covid.”

· “Even when I was very scared, I went to get the blood draw my doctor ordered. I survived.”

· “I made a list of companies I could work for and submitted five job applications today.”

· “I decided it was worth the money to buy an air conditioner. No more sweltering around here!”

Type 2 – Worrying about a situation that might happen in the future.

If you feel scared about something that could happen but hasn’t happened yet, it’s possible you’re making yourself miserable. There may be nothing you can actually do about it now. It may be something you can never have control over. But still, have compassion for your worry because most often people have learned to be worried from their family or someone close to them.

Type 2 worry is often connected to underlying negative beliefs about ourselves, others, and/or life. By “underlying” I mean that we’re not even aware that these beliefs are running below the surface:

· “The world is dangerous.”

· “Life is hard, and it’s against me.”

· “I’m not really loved for who I am.”

· “Others don’t really care about me.”

· “I don’t even like myself most of the time.”

It’s important to become aware of these beliefs and challenge them. Are they really true!?

And, in addition to addressing the underlying beliefs, do your best to calm your resulting fears and shift your specific Type 2 worries by telling

yourself, “There’s nothing I can do about this now, and it may never happen. If it does happen, I will handle it then. I can get help if I need to.”

Some people definitely need professional help in uncovering the cause and the way out of the pain of worry and anxiety. I’d love to help you with this. If anxiety is something that affects the quality of your life, please reach out. I’m here.

In either type of worry, be sure to soothe yourself first, and conserve your energy. Have faith in yourself. Focus on things you can accomplish now. And enjoy the good things in your life.

Part 1

The most important gift couples can give to each other is to help their partners feel safe and secure. When you have made a commitment to your relationship, the best thing you can do is to close the backdoor for good by not threatening to leave.  

All of us know that divorce is an option, but I’m suggesting that you think and act like divorce is not an option. Why? Because then both of you will put your energy into doing what it takes to make it work! 

In my work with couples, I’ve seen so much damage done when one or both persons threaten divorce. Sounding the divorce alarm may seem like a tempting way of signaling how hurt or devastated you are about something, but it works against a good outcome. Threats shake the bedrock of the commitment: safety, security, and trust. 

Just decide that no matter how angry, upset, jealous, or hurt you are, you will not talk about divorce. A securely locked backdoor makes it easier to work through any and all issues.

Here are two examples of a partner reinforcing his/her commitment to the relationship:

Example 1 – To her partner who was threatening to leave, a woman said, “If you leave, pack a bag for me because I’m going too.”

Example 2 – One engaged 30-something man said several times to his fiancée, “You can try to push me away with your anger and attempts to control me, but I’m not going anywhere.” His fiancée, also a 30-something, had many loving and endearing ways, but she had been abandoned and hurt many times in her life and it was hard for her to trust him. The more he said he wouldn’t leave, the more she felt safe and could give up testing him.

You can imagine that people who have anxiety about abandonment are able to calm down and have hope when they hear statements like these. With this kind of shift in a relationship, the connection is nurtured and creative energy is freed up so it can be directed at finding new solutions. This is what works for finding good outcome. 

I have more to share with you about this important topic, so please check back soon for Part 2 of this special 2-part post… 3 Tips for Keeping that Backdoor Locked.