Part 2
In Part 1 of “No Threats; No Backdoor,” I emphasized the importance of never threatening divorce because it gives rise to doubt about your commitment and works against the relationship. A threat of divorce, a “backdoor, ” undermines a good outcome, especially when times are tough between partners. (Read Part 1 here.)
In Part 2, I offer an essential component of staying committed once you’ve made the decision to remove threats of divorce from the equation. This component gives you some strategies you can turn to for dealing with conflict, and they are essential for keeping that backdoor locked. The following tips are 4 such strategies:
Tip 1 – Agree to Disagree
If you and your partner frequently fight about the same thing, probably neither of you will convince the other one of their position! It may be time to “agree to disagree” about hot-spot issues and move on. You can call it a draw and let go of the drama and contention around an issue (or issues) that won’t be resolved. It’s better to go on with the other things that you want or need to do.
Tip 2 – Don’t Make Your Partner Wrong
Work to resolve the issues by saying what you need to say without making your partner wrong. This is a challenge in our culture and other cultures where there’s a right/wrong way of looking at things. Listen to your partner and understand why, from HIS or HER point-of-view, what was said makes sense to you.
Tip 3 – Take a Break… with an End Point
When tensions arrive (and they will), I help clients learn to take a break to calm down. Either one of you can suggest to reconvene in a certain time – 15 or 30 minutes, an hour, or first thing in the morning for example. It’s very important to state the time and for both of you to come back at the stated time. Why it’s so important to state a time is because one or both partners can get anxious if one or both of you storm off angrily or it’s left at something like, “We’ll talk about later.” After the break when things have calmed down, it’s easier to be reasonable, empathetic, and to use good communication skills. Chances go way up that you’ll work things out with your partner when both of your nervous systems and defensiveness have settled. I’ll go into some wonderful communication skills in coming blogs.
Tip 4 – Be Proactively Positive
While working through a challenge with your partner, remember to be kind. Focus on the positives in your partner. Be grateful for all the good your partner and the relationship brings to your life.
Developing these habits takes practice and couples can often benefit from professional guidance and a demo of what works. Many of my clients have been able to successfully adopt these strategies into their relationships and reach deeper levels of harmony and connection in the process. If you have questions about how professional couple’s counseling can help you, please send me a note in the box below or call me at 949-645-5907. I’d love to help.
Dr. Jane Drew, Psychologist, is an experienced and highly qualified Newport Beach, CA therapist who offers a variety of excellent counseling services. She is especially skilled at helping couples.
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