Imagine that you are meeting a two-week-old baby for the first time. You put your finger close to the baby’s hand. With its tiny fingers, the baby takes hold of your finger or thumb. You are smiling, and you’re so tender with this baby. You’re awed with this new little life, and you’re pleased and touched that you are connecting to this newborn.
The tenderness you have for that baby is the tenderness you need to have for yourself.
All of us have:
- Difficulties
- Disappointments
- Fears
- Losses
- Traumas from childhood and/or our teen years.
Mini-Quiz: Tenderness vs Being Hard on Yourself
- Do you remember a time when someone criticized you or perhaps called you names or yelled at you? Did it hurt? Did you feel positively motivated by what they said? Unlikely!
- Do you feel positively motivated when you criticize yourself, call yourself demeaning names or when you yell at yourself (inwardly or out loud)? Of course not.
- By contrast, think of how it feels when someone is kind, gentle or forgiving with you. How did it feel?Did it make it easier for your to take your next steps? Almost certainly, yes! I remember a time when I was critical to my husband. A day later when I went to apologize to him, he said, “It’s okay. I knew that was your mother’s voice coming through you. I love you.” I felt so relieved; his tenderness touched my heart!
We especially need this tenderness for ourselves when we’ve made a mistake or acted out an old negative pattern from earlier in our life. Then we can see we don’t have to be defensive or prove we’re right. This makes it easier to correct the mistake, apologize, or work on creating new positive patterns.
No matter what your situation is or how old you are, you can have tenderness for yourself. Think of the tenderness you felt when you interacted with the baby. You, me and everyone have very young parts that need the same tenderness. Being tender with yourself can give you the courage to face what you need to do next. How? The tenderness soothes and calms you down. You feel safe. Then you can be present to figure out what needs to be done, and you’re more able to take the risk and do it.
Everyone has their own story of disappointments, judgments, fears and traumas that shaped them. When you are tender with yourself, it makes it easier to get through hard times. When you see others going through hard times or even acting out negatively, your tender heart helps you know that their behaviors come from their story and experiences… and you don’t have to take it personally. Your tender heart brings you closer to yourself and others.
Here’s something you can try. Think of something you feel vulnerable about and then say to yourself:
Today I will be tender with myself about …
What are your ideas about being tender with yourself and others? I’d like to know.
We are conveniently located in Newport Beach, CA near Hoag Hospital.
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